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on a summer’s night.

21 Jul

i am sitting under a warm berlin moon reminiscing about love and life and true friends. and people that walk with you. walk with you along, next to you. they might even hold hands with you for a while till they have to take some other turn. or till you feel you have to push them away because it is just not right anymore to take the same directions.

but what if you just met a person who is so much of an enrichment of positivity that you feel dull when he’s gone. i’m not talking about infatuation. i am talking of the profound feeling that you have when you know someone important steps into your life.

and then. you realize he (yes, it’s a him), well, that he chooses to fucks it up. that he chooses to fucks himself up. and then he turns. and then everything is different

and you just stand there

helpless. jaw-dropping just standing there watching lightness turn to darkness.

and sparkles turn to rain

drops

.

.

.

.

i’m talking about drugs.

i’ve been with someone like that before. and i’m not going to put myself through this again.

so.

i just let go of that precious hand again. the hand i didn’t even really hold yet. i just held one finger.

for a second.

i let it go.

 

my current letting-go-tunes:::

 

 

 

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die, winter! DIE!

19 Mar

the idea of me being an assassin who brings death to

THE WINTER

helps me. Bild

i woke up this morning to a white mess.

snow snow snow snow snow everywhere (insert a hysterical laughter). i know it is boring to complain about something you cannot change. especially moaning about the weather is totally yesterday.

but honestly, it sucks! it’s march now and that is what my world looks like …………………….

………….

……

..

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that’s the view from my living room! yay!

i’ve been looking through my photos and this, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly this date one year ago:

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and this is almost exactly two years ago, at the end of march 2011:

Bildbut hey, let’s not dwell in the past for the time is now!

let’s just make plans together how to get rid of mister winter. i think, none of the common methods would work. guns? knifes? poison?

any ideas?

meanwhile i start thinking about a good convenient obituary. something like:

Sir Winter

✝ 21.03.2013

He was strong, he was cold, he sometimes showed his soft side. But at the end he has been defeated by smooth green blades of grass and tender flower buds. We won’t miss him, because we know he will be back sooner than expected. 

listen to:

 

what happened to smiling?

31 Jan

i love to smile. and i love it when people smile back at me.

it is a universal language, understood everywhere you go.

but when it comes down to smiling, life gets tough in the city of berlin.

berlin, the city of hipsters and cool cats and pretenders and… non-smilers.

i like to smile anytime, but yesterday i felt particularly smiley.

the sky was blue, the birds were singing i had the morning off. everything was good. i decided to do some hot yoga. i haven’t had a proper yoga lesson in a while, so i packed my mat and off i went. (also it feels that doing more yoga is on my preset 2013 schedule – the heavens have already made that desicion for me, i can’t do anything but follow. but that’s another story.)

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i arrived there, got my towels from the towel guy at the entrance. yes, there is a guy who doesn’t do anything but handing out towels… we exchanged a smile. nice!

i didn’t know at that time that it was the last smile in a while…

next: ladies changing room.

packed my stuff into a locker, got checked out by several ladies (not in a sexual way, but women tend to check out other women’s bodies in the changing room which is a weird thing… do you ever realize?), i smiled at several fellow work-outers. no smiles.

went to yoga. got a tiny smile from another girl in the yoga class who was sitting on her mat waiting for class to begin.

no smile from the yoga teacher. not one in 1,5 hours.

after class same changing room scenario like before.

then grocery store. 11 encounters with other human beings. one (!) smile.

i went back home afterwards and felt exhausted, i needed a nap.

the day was saved by an early dinner with friends and some genuine smiles and by the studio nightshift full of big smiles due to my crazy co-workers.

i decided to write a smile journal now and write down the best smiles i exchange throughout my days. maybe you are with me? that would be fun.

so i leave you with this reminder: do it. do smile at strangers. at friends. at birds. at dogs. at flowers. at fish. (honestly, i even smile at my coffee, and mr. coffee always smiles back at me. i swear!)

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three times what?

5 Jan

happily ever after

today i felt more like “three times what?” than like threetimesyes.

i don’t want to go into the reasons and details for that, but what’s been going on in my life led me to an interesting question:

what happened to ‘happily ever after’? 

and to be quite clear about that, i mean nothing but the romantic ‘happily ever after’.

do we have to accept that maybe the happily ever after that we all dream of, or at least most of us, is a threatened species? or even worse did it already become extinct while we were busy instagramming, tweeting, talking to a friend over a coffee about which shoes to buy next or lying on the sofa of our psychotherapist?

i’m afraid that this might be the truth. the poor ‘happily aver after’ already died out. it might have yelled for help a few times but nobody listened because we were all too busy. no! i don’t want to believe that! i just don’t. but from all i see around me and even the things that happen to me, i just have to make this guess.

or maybe it just means that we have to give a new definition to ‘happily ever after’?

should we rename it into ‘happily ever now‘?

following the living in the moment movement and take what we can get in the here and now, soak it up, consume it without caring about what’s next? well, that’s a modern way to look at it. and there’s nothing wrong about the here and the now. but there’s nothing wrong about commitment either. and responsibility. that’s why i choose to put myself out there and believe in the happily ever after. here. now. and always.

and what about you? ‘happily ever after’ or ‘happily ever now’? tell me.

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